Gratitude
This is a long overdue project that I have been instructed to carry out. The purpose of this piece is to help others deal with loss of a loved one.
I’d like to give thanks to God the Father, God Christ Jesus and God the Holy Spirit for the purpose He has created me unto. I give thanks for enabling me to complete this His with ease.
I’d like to thank my “second self”, my husband for the continuous support and encouragement. You are more than an anchor.
I give thanks to my Spiritual parents and family for standing by me, my brother & my family through tough times.
I give thanks to all my families and relatives for support and empowerment. You are pillars of my strength.
I’d like to appreciate my friends for their continuous support.
To everyone who positively contributed to my journey of healing. Thank you. We continue healing.
To anyone I might have left out out, thank you for your being part of my recovery.
To anyone who has ever lost a loved one…I am profusely sorry, I understand your pain. Our God is close to the broken-hearted.
Explanation of the title of this piece:
Grief has become a pandemic since the human beings’ days were cut short. It’s a pandemic because it does not choose ethnicity, location nor time of occurance and devastates lives.
In human history, there has never been a PANDEMIC quiet like one of losing someone you love and oneself in the process.
This was one of the hardest tasks of my life, considering having to look back at multiple undesired and unpleasant events that took place.
June 2002
Fast forward to June 2020, my mom stayed with my aunt, her sister, who was extremely ill. I had moved to my other aunt in another city just to spend time with her as she stayed by herself. In between May and end of June, my mom, my mother’s sister and I frequented a doctor weekly for my aunt’s condition.
9th July 2020
On the 9th July 2020, my mom and aunt started showing different symptoms. Mom was mostly experiencing pain over her diaphragm whereas my aunt was way beyond okay (her body was attacked by all sorts of illnesses from nowhere), as a person with pre-existing medical conditions, her lips and fingers were turning blue and eyes gazing out.
As she was sleeping that night I went to check on her, I found her sweating yet her forehead turning cold. Not cold due to the winter cold but coldness of a fading life (for lack of a better explanation).
I woke her up and gave her medication for her then chronic condition and God saved her life that night.
10th July 2020
On the 10th July, I took mommy to doctor, but a week prior to that she went to a highly experienced doctor who gave her a cough mixture, flustats and some antibiotics. After realising she is not getting better, we went to a different doctor. We were relieved that the doctor injected an antibiotic, one I did not ask the name of and requested that we take my mom to hospital if shortness of breath becomes worse as it was one of the symptoms of the “man-made flu”.
On the same night, I made a decision to take my aunt to the hospital as we were suspecting she might have contracted the “fake pandemic” flu. My younger brother accompanied us to the hospital where we spent the night awaiting confirmation for her admittance.
So many things were happening in a short space of time. I was handling multiple tasks all by myself, I was not focused on my surroundings nor taking time to reflect on what I am going through. All I did was patching a leak after another and this caused me to lose focus on the main goal, that goal was to ensure that I am healthy and clear headed for the two people that were not in good condition.
11th July 2020
We came back home in the morning from the hospital and mommy was all good although with a bit of difficulty moving around the house and a bit of diarrhea. At this time we had no idea of any home remedies. My knowledge on what to do was limited. On that day in the afternoon, I had my mom’s phone in my hand when the pathology sent results from the fake pandemic flu. It read “positive”, that day I failed my God-given wisdom. I told her the status of her condition which were absolutely unnecessary.
12th July 2020
On this Sunday morning she woke up with the short breath a bit escalated. Although we knew at that time that people were not surviving the hospital for some reason, I lost my internal GPS when it came to her. She woke up with a worsened condition due to panic (I suspect). My spiritual GPS switched off and I started applying solutions from a human mind perspective. I asked my mom if she wanted to go hospital, she nodded her head signalling that she does not want to. I asked her to allow me to get her oxygen and I’ll bring her back.
My uncle and I went with her, when we entered the Steve Biko hospital something started bothering me and made me uncomfortable. A voice again told me “don’t leave her here, take her home with you”. This voice was a bit different, it was as though angels were panicking on my behalf or hers. We stayed for more than 4 hours waiting for her to be attended to while waited for her turn to be seen by the doctor. My mom was a very healthy 59-year-old, all her tests, apart from the fake flu test, confirmed her a very healthy person. As that voice in my heart grew more persistant and unsettling, I went to the entrance to check on her again (as she was waiting).
While waiting for her, people started sharing ways in which we could treat her at home and not take her to hospital. My uncle and I on that afternoon went to a pharmacy to buy all items required to get her well because my intention was to take her back home. Upon arrival at the hospital we found that she was being attended to and put on the oxygen. It was further said I could not take her home once she had been put on oxygen.
My heart sank, as a result of the voice that I ignored the entire period I was waiting for her. Her admittance to the hospital was confirmed, we then went home to collect her essentials, blanket and cellphone.
We returned to give them to the hospital for her receipt. She finally received her belongings that night, I spoke to her and asked how she was settling, as I was worried about the cold. She confirmed she was warm and that comforted me cause atleast one of my problems is solved.
13th July 2020
I checked on both my mom and aunt frequently through phone and kept praying for their lives to be spared. Honestly, I did not even engage in prayer that much for my mom cause I thought to myself “she’s got this, she’s prayerful, we’ve spoken about near death experiences, she knows what do, she’s healthier and chances of her survival were very high”. It was my aunt that my prayer bank was bankrupted on due to her pre-existing conditions. I prayed for day(all day, every chance I got) and night.
14th July 2020
I called mama to check on her and she confirmed that 1 nurse told her to remove the oxygen to breath on her own and the other told her to put it back on. She also confirmed that her routine medication included an injection of a solution I failed to get the name of.
15th July 2020
The hospital in which my aunt was admitted said she was not in a good condition. I tried calling my mom the entire day and could not reach her, her phone just rang, thought she was tired and was resting. However, I later found out from her colleague/friend that her response was “nothing is getting better” and she impatiently said her goodbyes to her.
16th July 2020
A bird that would sing incantations every morning before dawn. I’m referring to its singing as “incantations” because it was a certain and repeated tune that would occur everyday, same place. No matter how much I prayed in my compromised state, that would just not go away. It went on for quite some time even prior to lockdown. I did not invest much of prayer to that specific situation when it occurred, as I was occupied with work, life, family, what I had to carry at that time in terms of what was happening with family. I can now admittedly say I was not in my best of mental health state although I kept it going. I moved from one stage of life to the other with cumulative issues. My spirit missed important warnings from the Holy Spirit due to my chaotic environment and misalignment of my spiritual being during that time. On this day at 5 am, that bird, very annoying, on a very dark and extremely cold Thursday, that week was declared the coldest in the July 2020. I woke up boldly and threw stones on the rooftop to stop the bird from it’s rampant noise. I was successful in my mission and was ready to go back to sleep. When I turned my eyes towards the path between our house and the garage building as I was readying to walk into the house, at the corner of the house (in darkness) I saw a huge dark figure that looked at me in my eyes, I in its eyes and it vanished towards the right side of the house. I was bold and went back to the house, I tried making sense of what happened, and did not pray about it. I simply thought to myself I had overcome something that does not seem anything of this world, I knew it was not a physical(human being) figure.
Fast forward to around 5pm there was no electricity I decided to warm myself in the car, as I was sitting I decided to listen to a sermon by Kenneth Copeland titled “Bulldog Faith”. My faith was strengthened I prayed for my aunt and declared health and preservation of life. As I was busy praying and speaking declaration, I heard a “boom” sound in my ears, heart and head. I wondered what that was cause I knew it was within, the time was approximately 6pm. I continued with what I was doing trying to ignore what I heard, although I started deeply questioning myself and felt a bit of a disappointment not knowing what the reason was.
At exactly 6:37pm I received a call from my mom, I was so excited to hear from her telling me she was discharged. I answered and someone greeted me and asked who I am with. My heart was ripped because I understood what the question meant. I asked her to give my mom her phone. The first thing that came to me was hearing what the lady nurse said but not understanding what she said although I understood what the question she asked me was. I froze, I hung up, I screamed, I laughed at myself in disbelief because it was impossible to learn and process reality. I could not go into the house to break the news to my siblings. I made calls instead to inform my families, siblings received the news through other family members. It got numb, hurtful, heart ripping, unbelievable you name it all (all things unfamiliar to my system). I could not imagine what I have heard, I got shaken, I recall the strange “boom” sound and understood that it was infact related to the time the final cut of the umbilical cord occured, the time that mother transitioned to her Creator.
The 17th July was now on a Friday during lockdown on a very cold morning we had to collect mama from the hospital. We could not identify her, we did not receive anything of hers; from clothes, pjs, bag, Bible, blanket, boots and phone, nothing. Everyone at the hospital was just fooling around referring us to different directions, we ended up giving up as she was the most important person to attend to at that time.
Our deceived government, forced us to rush in burying our loved ones, refused us to confirm our mother and refused us time to process what has come. We were only left with scars of being beaten down by what can never match any heartbreak.
In between all of this days, my heart kept physically tearing apart and the physical rip kept escalating every second of my days. Additionally my aunt’s condition was deteriorating. I was mourning yet also concerned about my aunt’s condition.
18th, 20th July 2020
On a Saturday, in a rush, funeral arrangements had to be finalized.
On the 20th in a rush rush, all necessities were finalized.
21st July 2020
It was her final sent off.
After burial day my heart kept sinking, tearing and hurting all the more everyday. Although my faith was strong in the LORD, the sinking and casting down of my heart was leading me to “grave-grief” (I define it to be grief that leads to depression and eventually be used by the devil to take God’s people to early graves).
I remember telling my friends that if there was anyone who held a grudge against me due to my action to them, then this was a perfect revenge.
My aunt was completely healed of ailments after a year or 2. We will forever praise and be grateful to Christ unto this. We know it could only be HIM.
After a week of burial I received counselling from my spiritual parents, from another servant of God (that a sister in Christ had referred me to) and my employer. I have learnt that the earlier stages of counselling deal with shock (atleast it did for me). It made the pain temporarily bearable.
In February 2021, we lost another parent, this was a drawback to my healing.
God remembered me after 9 months and sent His servant to come revive me. This dear brother kept coming to preach and pray with me and that encouraged my wellness and rising up to a purpose of God. On the 16th July 2021, now exactly a year since mom’s passing, my dear brother and I engaged in a 2-3 hour prayer in which my FAITH was revived and grief left me. I am not saying I stopped mourning my dear mother, but grief was overthrown.
This means grief is spiritual. Life entirely is spiritual, it is between Godliness and evil. I struggled heavily with accepting that a part of me had been torn from me, I wondered how someone whom has not yet come to know CHRIST was coping if I was feeling like I was feeling. When you lose someone you love your spirit gets discouraged and disappointed, then the spirit sends this signal to the brain and the brain feeds the signal to the entire body. The brain and the body try to adjust to “the new normal” or changes that occurred psychologically and physically through what it might find to be practical and soothing. Many people never heal nor recover from shock and brokenness.
Only God HIMSELF was able to better my pain and heal me from that darkness (grief). Prayer worked for me, it was able to dismantle the strongholds of grieving in me.
Therefore, with this message, Child of God, whether you believe in Christ or not, there are different ways in which us all deal with different situations, but all things have to do with our spirituality. All problems that we come across are spiritual manifested into the physical.
Prayer helped me, it’s a physical act that worked against the spiritual attack I was going through. You need someone/people to pray over your life and those that will pray with you until your Spirit is free from the oppression of grief. You can be freed, God is for us and he’s not responsible for the chaos that is happening in the world.
Its not His fault that my mom is not here today although what happened to her is a personal story that I will share one day when the LORD permits.
You were created for a purpose and for a destiny. Your daily plan was written in your book in heaven before you were born, and each of your plans must come to pass. Do not let what you are going through stop you from fulfilling your purpose. Rise up and be who you were created to be. You alone know yourself apart from God. You carry a great thing within you that requires your cooperation. You were created for such a time as this. The magnitude of your struggles are evidence of your capacity, ability and capability (everytime you breath, you are a threat to the dark world.)
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